One Girl’s Experience with Depression and Recovery

By Anonymous, Age 19

Journal Excerpts:

8/10/05: How do I keep going, how do I just keep walking through the pain? It really hurts, deep, deep down no matter what; I just want to crawl out of my own skin

8/28/05: They say depression makes you fall gradually and then suddenly, until the day you wake up and are afraid to live. Maybe this is all part of my recovery, the pain, the anger, and the stupid choices, all of it. I mostly feel a deep, deep sadness that lives in my bones. My pain and insanity seems so obvious to me that I wonder how much people can see it in me. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to get up the way I feel, gradually and then suddenly.

8/29/05: It’s 10:30 am and the day is already going by too slow and too painfully. I am aware that my friends are not being there for me the way they should be. That is the way some people are, selfish and unable to deal with pain, even if it is in someone else. I will fight this battle alone then, and I will win.

8/31/05: I hate that I cannot stop crying, I hate that I cannot be there for anyone. I feel weak but it is literally painful for me to breathe. I can’t keep going on like this. Ok I need to help myself.

10/6/05: I hate myself; I hate the person that I am. This is life, its pain, its disappointment. Keep walking, keep moving, and keep living your life as if this pain did not exist. I am better than this, I scare myself, I hate myself.

10/7/05: The pen just moved that way last night, but I don’t really disagree. I am here on this road again.

12/12/05: I don’t think I can survive this anymore. This pain is stronger than me and I can’t escape it. I am disappointed in myself on so many levels. There are tiny moments when I feel peace and hope, but they are so quick.

2/12/06: Things seem clearer now, for now. I am in some ways proud of myself for pulling myself back up, when things were the worst. There is a strength that lives inside of me, next to the depression. There are fleeting moments when I feel great happiness, and then there are others when I feel great sadness. Either way I just keep moving because I have hope. I am aware that when I look back at these words, they are not far from me, they are still with me.